January 8, 2011 12.30pm...me, papa and bhai were waiting outside the ICU of Fortis Hospital. Five minutes ago, we had been informed mom’s heartbeat had stopped and doctors were trying hard to revive her. My cold hand shivered as I held the Hanuman Chalisa…a part of me knew what was coming and I was hurriedly trying to finish the chanting in the hope that God would do miracle and save my dying ma. When the doctor called us inside, I forced myself into believing that all was well. I still remember that helpless nod from the doctor that signaled “it’s all over”…
I held her cold, heavy, lifeless hand and kept holding it even as the doctor insisted on covering her face. Mom had always been the hero in my life and had always believed in fighting till the end, and seeing her lying lifeless was just unacceptable to my heart. But the mind saw the doctor who had given up the ABC procedure by now, and the blank lifeless line that ran across the monitor.
My world came crashing down that day with a void in my life that will never be filled at least in this lifetime. To lose someone you love the most without saying the final goodbye or without spending the last moment together is like a wound that never heals…I wish I was there with her that moment.
It’s been exactly 3 years today and each day, each moment brings with itself some element that brings back memories of the Angel who blessed me. Life no longer remained same as a part of my heart quietly chose to be declared dead.
They say time is the best healer. Not really sure, for the grief grows every second. I miss her support in every painful moment and her smiling face filled with pride in my moments of triumph.
Sometimes I wonder – does grief give us strength to move ahead, or the ability to pretend that everything is fine inside. With so many roles to play, one cannot carry the sadness in front of others forever. So slowly, people around start believing things are back to normal even as the troubled self looks for moments of solitude to let the tears flow.
This grief has also given me the strength; the strength to be on my own in every sense; and the strength to live the dream mom saw for me. Shortly after mom passed away, I was working overnight to relive the dream she saw for my career…and her blessings ensured I wasn’t kept waiting for long. But every success is a failure when the person who inspired me to do it all is gone. Sometimes, my sister asks me why am I running this marathon I tell her I want to score the maximum points till I am here as I know mom is keeping tab of my score wherever she is…
As much as I curse destiny for snatching mom, I also thank God for giving me the beautiful years and endless love I got from that angel. Thanks mom for the best words you taught me – optimism and hope. Without you I wouldn’t have been the strong self that I am now.
Till the time, I am united with you forever in heaven; I will miss you each day Mom…May you spend each moment in happiness and peace and continue to be my Angel in heaven. Love you mom!